This morning on the drive to work I was listening to my favorite DJ team (Roula and Ryan). The topic was women making more money than men...how does it affect the relationship - or does it?
A number of people called in with their opinions on the matter. (Personally I believe it was a contributing factor in my divorce (from his perspective) but I didn't call in.
But it did remind me of a dating relationship I was in about 10-11 years ago. I was taking college classes - my favorite of which was ceramics, which happens to be where I met this guy. This guy was an incredibly gifted artist. He could sculpt anything. I watched him do a bust of his cousin, touching his cousin's face and then feeling the clay under his hands and then molding it to where, when he was done, it looked exactly like his cousin - exactly like his cousin. (He also was a gifted painter but I didn't know that until we went out and I saw his paintings...but I'm jumping a bit ahead in the story.)
So this guy (whose name I can't remember now) asked me for my phone number. He was cute, he was talented, so I gave it to him. He called me a few days later and asked me out. I agreed to go out with him and he mentioned a transportation issue he was having so I offered to pick him up in my brand new car.
When I got to his house I saw that it needed some work. He was living in a trailer that had no porch or stairs so he basically had to pull me up in the front door to give me the "grand tour".
First thing I found out was that he didn't have running water. I see a few issues with that like, what does he do when he need to use the restroom and / or take a shower. And I asked him that. Basically he told me that if he just needs to pee, he goes out back and does his business. Anything more major and he would go to his neighbors or a nearby gas station. (Talk about your crappy neighbor! LOL) And he would hose himself down at the neighbors or ask to use their shower, as necessary.
I wasn't impressed so far (I also found out that he'd called me from a pay phone because he couldn't afford a phone either).
But we leave on our date...a movie.
We get to the theater and are getting out of the car when he announces, "Um, by the way, I don't have any money."
Inwardly I'm wondering WHY this didn't come up before this particular point in time. Outwardly, my non-confrontational self says, "That's okay. I'll pay for the tickets." And I did.
After the movie he asks me if I want to go get something to eat. Inwardly I'm thinking, "how stupid do I look? Did you get some money while we were at the movie???" Outwardly I said, "No, I ate before I picked you up, but thanks for asking."
I took him home and never saw him outside of class again.
So yeah, it was a bit of a problem that I made (so much) more than this guy. And as I said, I honestly believe it was a contributing factor (for my husband) in my divorce.
What about you? Do you think it makes a difference if the woman in the relationship makes more than the man? And why or why not?
6 comments:
This is definitely food for thought.
I've never made more than my husband, but I think it would be okay if my salary bypassed his. Probably because he's secure in his earning power (and secure with himself anyway). Plus, as he gets older, he's less about career and more about priorities (like spending time with our kids).
My dad wouldn't be able to handle it if his wife made more. It would destroy their marriage. Why? Insecurities. The need to be in control. His age--when he was young, women didn't work.
I've seen other men who "sponge" off women. That takes it from "secure with themselves" to "loser."
I guess what I'm saying is that it depends on the man's age, his self-confidence (maybe your husband's was low), and pride (to suck it up for the greater good and so the woman is happy with herself). IMO. LOL.
Good topic!
I definitely think if a man is insecure, then the woman making more money might become an issue for him. My husband always jokes around that when I become a "famous" author (ha ha) he's going to quit his job and golf all day.
BTW, that story about your date, it's priceless. You're going to have to use that in a book someday!
It's definitely about insecurity in my book if a guy can't handle his wife making more money. If it's a partnership, who cares how much someone is bringing in or where it comes from (ummm, ok, maybe if it was from streetwalking or mafioso).
As for your date, I would have said, Hey, I'm broke too, lets go to the park where you can get inspiration on how to make money with your art! *grin* Sheesh, no wonder you didn't date him again! Well that and the trailer with no running water. What a mooch!
LOL--Monica, your comment about where the money comes from reminds me of when my mom and I flipped through the channels and stopped on Jerry Springer. The husband was fed up with his wife prostituting herself to pay for her heroine habit (her heroine habit didn't bother him--only that she slept with so many men each night). Mom and I stared, dropped jawed. :)
I dunno. my mom was a banking VP and my dad was a tool and dye maker. There was definitely a HUGE gap in salary...Mom gave dad an allowance. LOL
My dad seemed to take it in stride. He's a fairly easy going sort and fully took advantage of the situation. He golfed and fished ALOT. he let her handle the bills and tell him how much he could spend.
It worked out quite nicely for him...however, if Mom passes away before Daddy...us children are screwed. LOL
My mom has always outearned my dad, too. Growing up, I heard the "normal" insecurity arguments about it. Mr. Honey and I are pretty even, but only just recently as he caught up to me. ;) It bothered him the first year or two, until he started calling me his sugar mama. Now everything's peachy and I can't wait to have him as my sugar daddy.
If a guy knows he'll be insecure with a woman who makes more than him, he shouldn't fish in that pond. And if a woman knows she'd never be satisfied with a guy who didn't "earn his keep" in her eyes, she shouldn't take the cheap bait. But life always interferes with the best laid plans - you never know when Mr. Rich and Handsome is going to gamble it all away, or when Ms. Suzy Homemaker is going to become the next Nora Roberts. So Mr. Rich and Famous and Suzy Homemaker better decide they love each other more than they love the money. :)
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