Melt Down

Lately I've felt like I've been so behind on everything. I've been walking around with this overwhelming feeling that I won't get everything done and that there's something important that I'm totally forgetting to do. And just let me be upfront right here and now...I HATE those feelings.

Anyway, school is finally winding down but that hasn't stopped the feelings. No, in fact, it's this big ol' reminder that I've left everything until the last minute.

For example, Thursday is the last day in my Shakespeare class. It's the day of the final and the day our portfolios are due. Now, all semester long I've said I was going to work on my portfolio as we went along. When that wasn't happening, I said I was going to catch up over spring break. But as you may recall, I didn't get to much I'd intended to over spring break. Then time kept creeping up and the end started getting closer and closer and I still wasn't doing anything.

All this putting things off came back to bite me in the rear this past week. See, we had a paper due this past Thursday. It was a comparison paper of two works we've read over the last half of the semester. (I chose to compare the villains of King Lear and Cymbeline.) I also had an exam in my government class on Wednesday. The plan was to work up the paper on Saturday and then study on Sunday of last weekend. Well, Saturday I was exhausted and after I went to the grocery store and took my dogs to the vet, I was wiped out and slept most of the afternoon. But I still had Sunday, right?

Who knew it would take all day Sunday to write a freakin' paper! When I was done, I sent an email to my instructor asking if we could meet one day after work for her input. She said we could meet Tuesday afternoon. Perfect! That meant that I could study on Monday AND Tuesday and then do any revisions on the paper Wednesday night, right?

Yeah, it should be so easy. I had also sent my paper off to a friend of mine who had a lot to say about my first paragraph. Don't get me wrong, she was right and I really appreciated the input. But that meant that Monday night I was reworking my paper. I did, however, take time to type up about half of my notes for the test on Wednesday. I figured I was still good though because I would have Tuesday evening to study for the exam still.

Then I met with the instructor. She liked the paper and said I was a good writer but she really wanted to challenge me and she basically asked me to rewrite everything except the thesis paragraph and the conclusion - essentially the entire paper...by Thursday! No pressure or anything. I told her my main concern with that was that I could rewrite it and be totally wrong in it and then submit something worse than I'd already given her. She said she'd take into consideration the work I put into it. Not greatly encouraging but it is something so I said okay.

I still planned to study Tuesday night but when I got home I started thinking that there would be no way I could rewrite an entire paper in one evening (Wednesday - after the test) so I worked on typing up the rest of the notes for the test during Dancing With The Stars (so hated to see Marlee go) because you don't have to devote all attention to the TV when it's elimination night and then turned my attention to the paper. I worked on it until about 10:30 and was really tired so decided to send the revisions to my instructor to see if I was at least on the right track of what she was hoping to see.

Oh, but what I forgot to mention was that Monday night/Tuesday morning, I woke up about 3:00 a.m. panicked that I wouldn't get everything done. I finally crawled out of bed around 4:00 a.m. and started working on my portfolio for the class because this weekend I need to prepare for the final and I wanted as much time available for that as possible. I worked on the portfolio for about two hours before I started getting ready for work, doing the questions for Julius Caesar and working on the questions for Measure for Measure. Then Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, I woke up around 2:00 a.m. I crawled out of bed around 3:00 a.m. and read over my notes a couple of times before work.

When I got to class that morning to take the test, I knew I was so screwed. This was the first section that I hadn't read the book materials before the test and the first section that I wasn't "getting" during the lectures. I also spent less time on reviewing my notes than I usually do. Regardless, I decided to give it my best shot. But I was so lost. I decided to make decisions as to what certain things meant and went with those "assumptions" throughout the test so that at least I'd be consistent with my answers. Turns out that might not have been the best idea. We reviewed several policies and theories and I paired a couple together and answered them based on the assumption I'd made only to find out that not only did they not mean the same thing, they were exact opposites. Yeah, so not good. Needless to say, this isn't going to be my best test score. In fact, I'm kind of dreading getting the grade back.

But back to the paper, I'd sent my revisions from the night before to the instructor to be sure I was doing the right thing. Her comment was that I was on the right track but... Doesn't matter what the "but" was, only that it meant more work was involved in what I was doing. Ugh!

I worked on the paper until 11:00 that night (Wednesday), sent it to a friend and then reworked it more at lunch before printing out what I ultimately submitted Thursday night. I have no idea if I gave the instructor what she wanted or if what I wrote was more than crap. But then I got to class and she handed out the study guide for this upcoming Thursday's final. I totally freaked out and had a meltdown, right there in the classroom. I got that overwhelming feeling like you can't breathe and came thisclose to breaking down crying - which I'm sure the lack of sleep had nothing to do with.

Anyway, I decided to take Friday off to relax and then spend the rest of the weekend working on the portfolio and final prep. I can do that, right? But then last night I decided to start on the questions again. I pulled up the last saved version of questions (each story is getting its own file). It was Julius Caesar. I was kind of confused because I was pretty sure I'd finished those that morning I woke up so early. But then I opened it up and only one and a half of the questions has been answered. I had a little panic attack. It didn't become a major, full-on panic attack until I realized that the question and answers in this file were to Measure for Measure. I'd used the template for Julius Caesar on Measure for Measure only, instead of doing a "save as" when I was done, I just saved OVER the file and all the work - the two hours worth of work - I'd done! Let's just say it was not pretty. And although you'd think that writing up the answers the second time around would be easier, it wasn't. And it didn't sit well to have to spend time redoing something I'd already done when time has been an issue for me lately. But I redid them last night and worked on Measure for Measure.

I finished those up this morning and am about half way through King Lear. Then I'll only have Cymbeline and the Sonnets to work through before I devote myself to the final exam prep.

I can do this...right?