Fight or Flight?

I'm not a confrontational type of person. If something bothers me, I usually won't say anything - I hold it in, thinking the situation will get better or right itself somehow. It takes a lot for me to "unburden" myself of my frustrations - to the point of when I do finally "snap", the person on the receiving end is probably thinking I'm some sort of psycho because whatever it was that pushed me over the edge was something they'd been doing for forever.

Yeah, I'm one of those people.

So, in that regard, I guess I'm a flight girl. I don't really like that about myself but it's something I know about myself.

But then, I learned something about myself this week. I guess I already knew it but it was really brought home to me in this situation.

Secret Crush Guy (SCG) and I had a little "situation" this week. And in case I haven't mentioned it here, mine and SCG's relationship has become one of close friends. There's no more of the awkwardness because I have inappropriate feelings for him, because those feelings are - not gone but re-channeled, for lack of a better word. He's among the top five closest friends I've ever had, and it's not one-sided and I feel comfortable with it because his wife is a part of the equation - we've become friends too. Everything's out in the open and there are no secrets (well, except that I once lusted after her husband but then again, that was never out in the open to SCG either so...).

But back to the situation. We usually walk out together after work - or at the very least, stop by the other's office to tell them we're leaving . . . without them. Yesterday he was in an all day meeting and was taking today off so I totally expected him to slip out as soon as his meeting was over - but I still expected him to tell me he was leaving. Only he didn't. It's not a big deal or anything but I was kind of surprised, especially since he was going to be out today. So, I sent him a text message that said "I cannot believe you ditched me!!!"

He responded with "I dont want to tell you the details. You may not forgive me." *typos are his

I immediately called him up and said I wanted the details. He laughed and said he was meeting Brenda at Pappadeaux for drinks.

Now, I know that doesn't sound like a big deal but it was like a knife to my heart. Let me start off by saying, I don't care who he is friends with - I honestly don't. It's none of my business. Ditto for what he does with those friends. What bothered me was I really cannot stand Brenda and he knows that. (For what it's worth, he's not particularly a fan of hers either, which I think played into my reaction as well.) We've also - recently - talked about going out for drinks after work but he's commented that he's a big flirt and a tease when he drinks (which of course is what I want to see in action because I think it would be hysterical - not because I want that directed at me . . . his wife is an invited guest to the event, should it ever happen) and I think he's afraid he would embarrass himself too much. Anyway, I knew there was more to the story than what he'd told me but I was upset because he would use her and drinking to get a rise out of me - which is what he wanted to do. So in essence, he deliberately upset me, which is why I was so upset. I seriously thought I was going to start bawling on the phone so I told him I was going to hang up "now". He laughed again and I said bye and he started saying something as I hung up on him.

It took long enough for him to realize I'd hung up and for him to dial me back up before my phone rang. I clicked on "ignore" and deleted the message he left without listening to it - which I've never done before, by the way. He sent me another text that said "I was tearing you. We are having our project management conference dinner. Cant believe you hung up!" *again, typos are his and it took me awhile to realize "tearing" was supposed to be teasing!

I didn't respond. He called again but didn't leave a message that time.

I was upset all night and then had bad dreams about it. I know it doesn't seem like a lot but it really bothered me. Anyway, he called me first thing this morning. I decided to take the call and just said Hello. He said, "What's your problem?" Now, I should point out that he said it more in a playful voice but given the circumstances, it wasn't funny to me - at all. In fact, I had that "I'm going to start bawling" feeling again. So I took a deep breath and said, "Wow. Nice way to start the conversation." He laughed. It still wasn't going over well with me so I said, "I'm going to hang up now." He asked me something about why I was hanging up on him and I took another deep breath and said I didn't want to talk to him just then. He asked why. I said bye and I hung up.

And here's the deal. I was in flight mode. Not just from the confrontation but I was also checking out of the friendship - completely. Last night when I went to bed I was thinking it was the end of our friendship - that's how hurt I was - and is why I think I had the bad dreams. I woke up this morning deciding that, in fairness to him, we needed to talk about it - which is why I took his call. But then his opening comment . . . well, I already told you how that went. I immediately went into flight mode again - from the confrontation and from the friendship. I was going to let the weekend pass without contacting him but I talked to a mutual friend of ours and she said she thought our friendship was good enough but if I waited too long, irreparable damage could be done. She didn't think I should wait over the weekend to contact him. So I texted him and said "Shorthand version-not mad you just really hurt my feelings by deliberate actions-deliberate being the key word. didn't want to cry so hung up." He responded with "Sorry. It was meant as tease. I would never deliberately hurt your feelings."

Okay, I know he wouldn't deliberately hurt my feelings. I know that. I also knew he was teasing me. It was just that his actions were deliberate, and he did want a reaction from me - just not the one I gave him.

Anyway, there has been no further communication because I had to take the dogs to the vet and I didn't have another opportunity but I still feel like our friendship took a hard hit. But I'm really stunned that my reaction was (and, to be honest, still kind of is) a flight one because he really is a good friend of mine. I think one of the problems is he's an "instant" communicator. He's told me that him and his wife leave nothing unsaid - and I think that played a part in his wanting to talk about this but I don't work like that. Me? I need time to regroup. I have to think on things a while so that I don't blurt out the first thing that comes to mind because those are the things that are only meant for that one split second that you're saying them but can really do irreparable damage to the relationship. You know what I mean? So I guess that's what I'm fleeing. I don't want to have the conversation. Hmm, guess I probably need to get over that, if I want to save the friendship.

What about you? Do you fight or (take) flight? Not just in confrontations but in relationships. Inquiring minds want to know.